I was out in the garden, a few days after having a D&C, when I realized that I didn’t want to fight infertility any longer.  I decided to look more into adoption, and I felt at peace for the first time in ages. I discussed it with my husband and found that he was already leaning that direction.  We decided to pray about it and give it some thought before diving in.  

That Sunday, a young girl stood up in front of our congregation and gave her testimony about how she had been blessed by her adoptive family. My husband and I shared a look.  Yes, this was right.   Sometimes we are stubborn and God has to use neon signs and big arrows to show you his plan.  I’m grateful to have a God that will make things obvious for me when I refuse to listen the first hundred times.  

I finally convinced my husband the time was right to have a child after watching Happy Feet.  I had been ready to start a family for quite a while, but my husband wasn’t quite there yet.  After getting home from the drive-in, we snuggled up and had the following conversation:

Me: “Darling, I want an egg.”

Him: <non-committal grunt>

Me: “Can we have an egg?”

Him: “OK”

Me: “Really?!?  You do realize when I say ‘egg’ I mean ‘baby’, right?”

Him: “Yes.”

<cue candlelight and Barry White>

18 months  later, still no baby.  We head into the doctor and got the news that it would be nearly impossible for us to have a child on our own.   Go to IVF with ICSI. Straight to IVF.  Do not pass GO.  Do not collect $200.  We were devastated.

We spent the next year trying various treatments that all failed before we even got to try for conception.  Every month I would go in, only to be told that I had a cyst, or didn’t ovulate, or a hundred other reasons why we couldn’t proceed that month. I felt like a huge failure.  Thank goodness for the ladies in my RESOLVE group. They were supportive and understood what I was going through.

I went in for my monthly ultrasound in February of 2010 feeling positive.  I was scheduled to start injectable medication. This had to work!  It’s *science*!  If this cycle worked, I would be able to announce I was pregnant at Easter.  Instead of walking out of the clinic with vials and syringes, I was told that I needed to have surgery and I probably had some disease that could only be properly diagnosed with a hysterectomy.  Who talks to a woman that is trying to get pregnant about hysterectomies?

I’ve never been pregnant in my life, but I can tell you what a D&C feels like.  Fortunately, the biopsy was negative, but I was done. I told my husband that I couldn’t take the constant failure any longer and that I didn’t want to put my body through any more.  Where do we go from here?

I’ll say it again. Nutrimigen smells like cheese. Not good cheese, but the nasty powdery kind that comes in cheap Mac’n’Cheez boxes. It’s even worse when your darling child chooses to “bless” you with it, right down the front of your shirt.  This newest joyful experience leads me to enter the blogging world.

In this blog I will discuss the challenges and joys of loving a special needs child.  Captain Cutie has multiple issues.  He was over three months premature, has a feeding aversion and is now on a G-tube, has been hospitalized multiple times, and was recently diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy.  On paper, his issues sound pretty scary.  People who have only read his records expect to see a sickly child.  In person, Captain Cutie is charming and can melt the hardest of hearts.